November 25, 2021

This is a running blog that sometimes talks about my thyroid disorder, and most recently has become a “having meltdowns about moving” blog with a little bit of running also mentioned. I thought now, right in the middle of a very stressful few months, would be a good time to mention some of the things I’m thankful for. In no particular order:

I’m thankful I am still alive.

When I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer in 2018, I didn’t think it would kill me. Papillary thyroid cancer, especially in someone my age (37 at the time) has an exceptionally good prognosis. In January 2017, however, when I realized how much weight I had gained in the last year (40 pounds) and realized how miserable I felt (undiagnosed hypothyroidism, and probably undiagnosed anemia as well, even back then), I was worried I wouldn’t outlast the current president. That’s a depressing thought, and it was a thought I had then. In 2017 I lost the 40 pounds, which put me on a pathway to health, but it wouldn’t be until 4 or 5 years later, following a thyroid cancer diagnosis, years of hypothyroidism, mental health struggles, anemia, and fibroid surgeries, that I am finally feeling “healthier”. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel like my “old self”, but I feel much closer to it now than anytime in the last 7 years, which is a good thing.

I’m thankful for the time I have had to spend with family.

Part of why moving away from Ohio is so hard for me is that I have been given time to spend with my parents, my sister, and especially my little nephews. I’m thankful for all my nieces and nephews, but especially being able to be around my two littlest nephews from when they were born until now (one was born in 2015, the other 2019). My 6 year old nephew reminds me so much of myself – it could be because he’s left handed, it could be because I spent so much time with him when he was little. One of the hardest things about moving away is not being able to take my 2 year old nephew on runs or to the playground anymore. He might never remember the time we spent together. I don’t know if I’ll ever have my own children, but I’m very thankful for all the time I have spent with my nieces and nephews. If I hadn’t taken several years off of work for health issues, I probably would not have been able to spend time with them because I probably would not have ever come back to Ohio after leaving the UK.

I’m thankful for the numerous birthday cakes I’ve been able to bake for my nephews and sister. I now have a signature carrot cake recipe, and I’ve been able to bake my 6 year old nephew rainbow cakes 3 years in a row. (I won’t be able to bake him a cake when I live in Connecticut in the near future, but maybe someday in the future, I can bake him another rainbow cake.)

I’m thankful for all my family, and for all the little people in my life that I get to see grow up and develop their own personalities. I’m thankful that I struggle with throwing away birthday and Christmas cards, and while packing for the move, I found some from my grandparents, both have passed away more than 10 years ago now. I’m thankful for the family support I have and will receive in Connecticut – I’m leaving my parents, my sister and her family, but I have aunts, uncles, and cousins on the East Coast, who so far have been very supportive of my move.

I’m thankful for the support I’ve received from the research community as I return to work.

I started thinking about returning to a research lab in September of 2020. It has taken over a year of trying to convince myself that I can possibly do this, rebuilding my confidence in myself and my knowledge base, and a lot of internal work. When I reached out to my previous mentors to let them know what I was thinking, they were incredibly supportive. When I reached out to the principal investigator of a lab whose work I admire, he was supportive, even after I explained my situation and why I hadn’t been working for so long. When I met with my potential coworkers, they were some of the most kind and supportive people I have ever met. When I contemplated returning to work in a research lab, I never expected just how accepting of my situation other researchers would be, and for that, I’m hugely thankful.

While moving to a new state is incredibly stressful for me, I’m very thankful for my new job, which is an incredible opportunity that I had never imagined would be possible for me a year ago.

I’m thankful for having a place to live and food to eat and not having to worry about either of those things.

When I left my job in the UK at the end of 2014 and returned home, I wasn’t sure what would happen next. I did not expect 7 years of struggling to get back on my feet, during which time I struggled with my health. I’m lucky that I had a place to go (it’s never easy moving back in with your parents as a grown, independent adult, even with what clearly was a serious medical issue as the cause). I’m lucky I’ve never had to worry about getting enough food to eat, or having a warm place to go.

I’m thankful for running.

I started running in the year 2001. I started running because I was pathetic at playing tennis, and especially running after balls. (Note: I played tennis recreationally for maybe a year. I was never good.) Running soon became something to control my mood – when I didn’t run every 2-3 days I would get really moody. (This started in 2003-2004. This may have been an early hypothyroidism symptom, the moodiness part, but running has been helping me with my mental health since the early days.)

When I moved to the UK, I knew I would be ok, as long as I could still run. When I got really sick with undiagnosed hypothyroidism, Hashimoto’s, thyroid cancer, anemia, fibroids, anxiety, I ran through it all. Running was there for me when almost nothing else in my life was. And for that, I’m eternally grateful.

Running is what has convinced me I can do hard things. And returning to a research career after a 7 year break for a major illness is a really hard thing.

I’m thankful for audiobooks, and especially for discovering that I can listen to audiobooks while running this year.

I used to just listen to podcasts (or rarely music) while running. In February, I forced myself to listen to the audiobook version of V.E. Schwab’s the Invisible Life of Addie LaRue while running after I gave up reading it 1/3 of the way through. (I’m sorry, V.E. Schwab, I love all your other books that I have read which are the Shades of Magic and Villains series – this book was just not for me and that’s fine.) This started an audiobook binge which is still ongoing. It turns out that listening to audiobooks while running elevates my running experience, and, oh wow, how much do I love listening to non-fiction audiobooks while running! (Especially books about ebola or doping in sports.) This is one of the best things I have done all year for myself, and I don’t think it is a coincidence that I’ve regained my love for science and confidence in myself while also listening to a ton of science related audiobooks. Lots of things have worked together to get me to where I am today, and audiobooks is one of those things.

I’m thankful I’m still willing to take risks

Moving is hard, starting a new job is hard, but both of these things are a really good opportunity for me. I’ve been struggling with trying to figure out what my “purpose” is, and what type of career will fulfill me. The truth is, I love doing research, asking interesting questions, and learning more about the world around me. It just so happens that before my own cancer diagnosis I studied cancer cells in a research lab. A lot is unknown about the future, and for me in particular, my future, but I’m returning to what motivated me in the past and allows me to use my brain, learn, ask questions, and collaborate with others, in a way that may lead to contributions to medical treatments in the far off future. I first moved away from Ohio when the lab I was working in moved to New Hampshire, and ended up in graduate school in New Hampshire because of that move. I moved from Vermont to the UK to pursue my research career. Moving from Ohio to Connecticut seems stressful and extreme to my post-illness self, but really, this is something I’ve done before and I know I can do it and I will be ok. (As long as I can still go running.)

Finally… I’m thankful for the hilarious Instagram ads I’ve been getting recently.

I’ve been needing a good laugh for a while now, and these have helped today in particular.

If anyone has made it the end of this blog – Happy Thanksgiving! I know my weekly blog posts have taken a dark turn recently as I struggle with moving and the overall concept of resetting what feels like my entire life, but there is still a lot I am thankful for and a lot that has happened this year is very good. This moving stress in my life is temporary, and the opportunities it is giving me are fantastic. There is so much to be thankful for despite what is currently a tremendous amount of stress in my life right now.